Captain’s Log

I had to dig deep, but I can recall having one good Christmas.

I must have been either 3 or 4 years old. We were living in Orange County, down by Disneyland. My mom was still married to her first husband … that was a happy time. I remember learning how to make cookies (for Santa) and oatmeal (for the reindeer) on Christmas Eve … 20 or 21 years ago … in my Alf onesey pajamas. I know it was a good Christmas because what I remember about it was all the attention I got … but it wasn’t really focused on me … it was focused on Christmas itself. Trying to put that somber cheer into the house by decorating a tree, making cookies and oatmeal for Santa and his reindeer, home movies on the new tape recorder … I don’t even remember being asked what I wanted for Christmas. It didn’t matter, it wasn’t about wanting … it was about that mystical experience that I can only poorly label as finding warmth in the coldest part of the year. Everything might have been bleak, but there was still comfort to be found in home and family, and enjoyment can always take the silliest of forms … like bringing a dead tree into the house and putting shiney stuff on it. It wasn’t about the tree, or gifts, or snow, or even Santa … it was about making the best of the worst, it was about creating a warm little spark when nature itself seemed bent on making the world dark and dreary and cold. It was … home. Probably the only real home I’ve ever known.

It’s funny how my experiences have crafted my knowledge. The past sets the stage for the present. With only one good Christmas, and a very poorly remembered one that happened a lifetime ago, it’s no wonder I have no interest in the holiday.

Every Christmas after that all I can remember is the tangled mess of family politics and everyone obsessing over what to buy or getting what they wanted.

Tomorrow is Christmas. Maybe I can try to create that special warmth in the darkness in the new appartment this year. Unfortunately, it’s looking like it’ll be pretty lonely. At least I won’t have the family politics to navigate.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 24th, 2008 at 8:24 am and is filed under Musings, True Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.