Captain’s Log

My mind was all a jumble. None of this was supposed to happen. It was all her doing. She knew my weaknesses as she knew everyone elses. She knew I couldn’t resist a soul in need any more than I could resist an opportunity to be a part of a good story. She was playing me, stealing my spirit away one friend at a time. I had had enough. Time to do something about it all. And so I called upon the one power I was certain would be anethema to her, and prayed that my strengths were still more potent than her weaknesses … and more importantly, on the ineptitude of my friends in my particular branch of faith.

She wanted to bind us all to her. So be it. That was exactly what I would set about … my way. The way that scares them (Rachel, Pink Bunny, B.J.)

I planted my seeds with care. I stroked her ego when I could do so without endagering my soul. I played up the role which she had so erroneously tried to force me into. It was close to the end … all of us who were closely involved could sense it … but none more than the two of us. She knew I was feinting, and I’m certain to this day that she, nor anyone else, did not know what I was up to.

I threw together a day in advance, unlike my normal fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants method, and prayed that it would fail horribly. I think I secretly prayed that it would botch so badly that it would end me.

This time I had everyone help me, as though they were some kind of acolytes. Everything was working horribly at the saturday market, which put my mind at ease. The laxidaisical demeanor of those involved was crucial to my plan, and pained me terribly.

Alright … time to purchase the foci. Continuing my act, I put all thoughts of planning from my mind … for if I knew that I was planning it all to fail, the ritual would be impotent. There must be sacrifice, and I must go to the slaughter. Wooden bowl? Check. Come on, there are hippies everywhere! Laugh it up, people, laugh it up. I never once laughed with them. Laughter was not in me. Sage? Sure! Check. Metal chalice? Just make sure there are no markings of any kind on any of it, guys! Oh, a seriel number … is that the best we can come up with? It’ll have to do. Check! I *will* make this ritual work in one days time or … I don’t know what. Candles … white ones. Get them. I had tried to drown myself days ago, but none of them knew it. Fate wouldn’t even give me that simple release. My whole demeanor must have been very dark, serious, and brooding. Perfect. Onward, then! Much to do!

I don’t remember much of anything from those days, especially not right before the ritual. The drive back … I couldn’t tell you the first thing about it, except that I was answered questions about the coming ritual vaguely and cryptically, unable to pry myself from my focus. I must build up enough energy (wa, karma, chi, whatever you want to call it) to make this work. Everyone remember to eat a full meal beforehand, I don’t want anyone passing out or getting hurt. I think I was clutching the first aid kits that I had lifted from my boat, still in Jantzen Beach then. Somewhere deep inside I was concerned … terribly worried … but I had to push it from my mind.

That night I found the right vow … these days I can’t remember anything about it. I know everyone thought it was long. They have no idea. My frame of mind would not work with this spell … I was too evil … too controling … too fearful and confused. Impure. The spell was one of primordial bonding, a spell to help us realize that we were all in truth the same person. I would never be strong enough to make it work with my spirit in such a weakened and damaged condition. I had to clear my head. First I commited the vow to memory, then, leaving Dan and Jeff to the rest of they’re night, set about cleansing my soul of all it’s thick fallacies. I reduced myself as near to nothing as I could, before even beginning the ritual, and in emptiness, found oneness. The night air and sky is perfect for that. Thank the Lady it wasn’t completely overcast. A good omen.

We all met in the playground at the park behind some place Dan and Jeff used to live. It was perfect. Somehow the energies of the night were working in my favor. Then I saw them, and my hopes (but not my resolution) were dashed. She’s actually playing in the swingset … how fitting. Perfectly antagonistic! WHEEEE she cried. Fucking whee. “A fucking playground? How does he expect us to take this seriously?” she yelled across the park and into the suburban beyond. Deep inside I was grinning with a wicked satisfaction. Double double toil and trouble … fire burn and cauldron bubble. Something wicked awaits you in the deep places, you faerie fuck. Outwardly and inwardly (but not that DEEP inward place where I was grinning, and not the deeper STILL inward place where I was empty and everything) I let out a groan. She was fucking it all up. Ender caught on quickest, Jeff and Dan were there and they had a feeling something wasn’t right with me. Good, we’re still in touch. Jason and Ben came next, with Mindi and Rachel last. Ah Mindi, my darling, I’m counting on you … I eyed the first aid kits, knowing without knowing. That little voice inside … this kind of magic doesn’t work on HER kind … she is not of OUR realm … I shoved it out of my mind as quickly as I could, replacing it with visions of the stars above and the molten earth below.

I bade each of them take a candle from the bowl, leaving myself with two. As I was leading this ritual, it was my place to carry the One candle. I then arranged us in the fated order … with those closest to me close to me, and those most entwined in her grasp on the opposing end of the circle (Circles have no end? Right you are! And how naive.) I would then lead the way from our realm into the deep places, instructing everyone to follow in such an order that the circle would unwind itself and reform perfectly upon reaching our destination (if indeed I made it that far.) This meant the order was as such: Michael, Jeffrey, Ender, Jason, Ben, Rachel, Mindi, Dan (and thus back to Michael.)

Everything went exactly as it was supposed to. We unraveled, we left behind the trappings of day to day life and went out of our well lit safety-zones (each of us had our own, and I am no exception) and off into the darkness.

Every time I would pass by this one particular spot on that road, I knew I had crossed (at least partway) into Somewhere Else. I felt it the very first time I ever walked down that road, and this time was no exception. As soon as I felt that chill run up my spine and those strange whispers in my mind (which coincidentally was simulatneous to my noticing the cacophany of frogs groaning into the Wisteria Night) I knew I might just have the strength after all. Shadows danced as only still shadows may dance upon the trees and gravel offshoots that some called driveways. The air was still and teeming with life. “Make it stop.” I heard loud and clear, as though someone had yelled it straight into my brain. The frogs might have all just hard heart attacks, they silenced so quickly. Damn her … damn them. Don’t they know I can’t resist them? Don’t they know they’ve been killing me? She knew. I don’t think they did. Every undisciplined curse that erupted from the lips of the mouths which were attached to bare feet etched a painful line into my unknown soul. “This could have been thought through a little better,” I heard muttered with intent for my ears. Bittersweet, this love. How foul kindness can be. Control yourselves, you undisciplined cads! If any of you had the slightest idea what I am about to get us all into, perhaps this might actually work … then we’d all be in real trouble. As it stands, two people in mortal peril is a high enough price to pay, let’s not add to it.

I kicked the door in and lead us all inside. Glancing back, I saw that Rachel had to be lifted inside (the steps leading up to the door had all but rotted away) but I wasn’t sure by who. No doubt Ender was involved in that. I bade Mindi set the medkits (dutifully carrying them ^.^) just before the entrance to the room … their very presence a testament to the doom that awaited.

The circle collected itself in the dark room, and I had to walk everyone through each step. As soon as my mouth opened, however, I was no longer myself. I was the magic.